


Ours

by dragonwings948



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Episode: s09e10 Face the Raven, Episode: s09e12 Hell Bent, Friendship, Love, Male-Female Friendship, Post-Episode: 2014 Xmas Last Christmas, what Clara said in the Cloisters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-04
Updated: 2017-10-04
Packaged: 2019-01-09 03:53:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12268335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragonwings948/pseuds/dragonwings948
Summary: After the events of Last Christmas, Clara can't think of words to describe how she loves the Doctor. After time passes and the raven is coming for her, she wonders if it's even possible to put their relationship into words. But finally, when she gets a second chance in Hell Bent, she knows she has to tell the Doctor the definition of love she's been seeking for so long. Can be seen as shippy or not.





	Ours

**Author's Note:**

> Okay I know this fic sounds like the shippiest thing in the world but I still don't ship Twelve and Clara. I do think they loved each other like crazy, I mean that's obvious. But I don't think it was romantic. However, for all of you shippers out there, this can definitely be seen as Whouffaldi if that's how you want to look at it! 
> 
> Anyway. This is a pretty old fic that I just resurrected because I watched Last Christmas during my Twelfth Doctor rewatch that I'm doing leading up to Christmas. 
> 
> Enjoy! :)

~ _Last Christmas_

            I rolled over in bed and sighed, forcing my eyes open and blinking a few times to clear my vision. My mind began to race, thinking about what needed to be done before I got to school and all the marking I would have to do later today. I wished that I could just put the day on fast-forward and instantly be in bed again at night…

            My thoughts were interrupted as I blinked one more time and focused on the light blue wall across the room. The walls in my bedroom had never been painted that color. As I inhaled a breath through my nose, I realised that this room carried a scent that was altogether much different than that of my flat. I sat up and rubbed my eyes, noticing that my bed sheets were much smoother than usual as they rubbed across my skin.

            Yet, despite the nuances, I felt a deep calm inside of me. In my heart, I knew I was safe. I knew everything was right in the world. I knew I was home.

            _The TARDIS._

A flood of memories crashed into the forefront of my mind. I tried to make sense of all the images my brain threw at me: the Doctor, dream crabs, and Santa Claus, but everything flew by too fast for me to make sense of it all. I leaned back against the headboard and closed my eyes as the events of the day reorganized themselves. As I recalled the terrifying and strange adventure, it seemed like it had all been just a dream. Well, apparently most of it _had_ been just that.

            I sighed and pulled my blanket up to my shoulders. I listened to the gentle hum of the TARDIS engines somewhere far beneath me, and my heartbeat started to slow. I gazed up at the ceiling and the placid color settled my frenzied mind.

            Peace felt like an oddity in the TARDIS. My place for peace and quiet had always been my flat, because with the Doctor it was always run, run, run with no time to catch my breath.

            At the thought of him, my brain presented me with the image of his pleading face from the night before. In his eyes I saw the desperation I had felt ever since he had left; the need for not just anyone, but for _him._ For my best friend.

            I often wondered, after the Doctor changed, if our relationship could ever be the same again. Our friendship had been tested and tried ever since then, and after the long separation from him I finally knew the truth: I could never live without him. And the same truth had been in his eyes last night when he had begged me to come with him.

            I pushed the blanket away, content with shelving my thoughts for now. I shuddered at the loss of warmth, and a moment later the temperature of the room settled to a comfortable climate. With a smile, I looked up at the ceiling and whispered, “Thanks.”

            I yawned as I threw my legs over the side of the bed and shoved my feet into awaiting slippers. I stretched my arms upward, stood up, and shuffled toward the door. It slid open on its own, revealing a gentle green glow in the hallway.

            As I stepped out into the corridor, the nightmare that the Doctor and I had shared overwhelmed my thoughts. I hadn’t given it much thought yet, but now the memory begged to be remembered.

            A shiver ran down my spine. I hugged my arms around myself and began walking toward the console room. Mentally I checked to make sure there still wasn’t a pain in the side of my head. The dream had been all too real.

            Any further thoughts about the nightmare were dispersed by my entrance into the console room. An erratic scraping sound became evident from the second level, and I followed the sound with my eyes to see the Doctor scribbling away on his chalkboard.

            I grinned at the sight of him. “Good morning!” I sang, finding myself in an unusual bubbly mood. Even just to see him standing there was something I had dreamed about for months.

            The Doctor grunted in reply without so much as a pause in his writing. “It’s one o’ clock in the afternoon, Earth time,” he added.

            Somehow, his typical grumpy mood made my happiness that much more complete. “Really?” I shifted my arms to cross them over my chest and walked toward the stairs. “I was asleep for that long?”

            “I don’t understand how you do it!” The Doctor gesticulated with his free hand, though his focus was still on the board. “You just lie there. It’s so boring!”

            I winced as I ascended the stairs. His words were much truer than he knew. I had lied on my bed for hours last night, unable to sleep because of my troubled thoughts of the dream crabs, my nightmare, and Danny. Though it had been hard, just knowing that the Doctor was near, that I was on the TARDIS, had been enough to finally make me feel at peace.

            “Doctor?”

            “Hm?” he rumbled, leaning in so close to the chalkboard that his nose was only an inch away.

            “Can I…stay here? In the TARDIS?”

            The chalk in his hand paused halfway through a circle. He turned and looked at me, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Did you think I’d just drop you off alone at home again?” He turned to the chalkboard and finished his circle, sketching smaller circles inside of it. “The TARDIS told me you couldn’t sleep last night,” he said in a more conversational tone.

            Was he really trying to _chat_ with me? “What does that have to do with me staying?”

            He shrugged. “I was trying to be nice.”

            “So can I stay?”

            The Doctor sighed, his eyes wide and sincere as he turned his head toward me. “Of course you can.”

            The words meant everything, but his steely blue eyes said even more, reflecting his next statement. “I left you alone for far too long and I don’t intend on doing it again.” He distracted himself with the chalk again, though I saw the muscles in his jaw tense and his eyes close for a brief second, like he was trying to ward off a painful memory. And I knew exactly which one.

            “I’ve been thinking about it too. That’s why I couldn’t sleep.”

            “Because you’re afraid it will come true?”

            I inhaled a deep breath and took his left hand in my right. Rather than his fingers stiffening, like I expected, his hand relaxed into mine. I realized that he needed the comfort too because he blamed himself. Of course he did. He had a right to, I supposed, but it had been only a nightmare; the most important part was reality, where he had come back for me.

            “No,” I said in a gentle voice. “Of course not. I know you wouldn’t do that to me, Doctor. That’s why it was just a nightmare.”

            “But how do you know?” He compressed my hand. Dust cascaded down the blackboard from where he bored the chalk into it. “It could have easily happened. It wouldn’t be the first time,” he added, softer.

            “Doesn’t matter now, does it?” I squeezed his hand. “Because I’m staying with you. And you’re not getting rid of me this time,” I added with a smile.

             The Doctor still frowned at the board. “So if it was just a dream, then did you mean what you said?”

            “Mean what?” I wondered, cringing at the thought of pulling out the memory of the nightmare.

            His hand slipped from mine, cold air replacing his warm grasp. “You said…” He cleared his throat and suddenly became very interested in rolling the chalk between his fingers. “You said that you didn’t marry anyone because of…somebody else.”

            I had to chuckle at the concern in his voice; I could just feel the “I’m not your boyfriend” speech coming. He turned and set his piercing gaze on me, silently asking for an explanation for my outburst. I shook my head at him.

            “You keep forgetting, Doctor. Love is more complex than just romantic or platonic. I think…” I cocked my head and stared up at the ceiling, trying to figure out exactly how to put words to my feelings. “I think that a new definition of love could be made for every person I care about.” I set my gaze back on him to watch his reaction.

            His eyebrows furrowed deeper. He pursed his lips and stared at his chalk-coated fingertips. “Then what would be your definition for me?” he asked.

            I tried to catch his eyes to discern his true feelings, but he stubbornly continued staring downwards. I knew my answer meant more to him than he was letting on.

            In a moment I could see all the villains we had faced: Daleks, Cybermen, an Ice Warrior, the Great Intelligence, clockwork men… All the pivotal moments in our relationship flashed before my eyes. The words I cherished more than anything else resounded in my mind, _Do you really think I care for you so little that betraying me would make a difference?_

The Doctor had told me just how much he loved me. But could I even hope to convey the same to him?

            “I don’t know,” I murmured in answer to myself and the Doctor, a little frustrated by my inability to describe how much I cared about him. I realised then that as I had been so wrapped up in my thoughts, the Doctor had been studying me closely, now completely abandoning the chalk façade. His eyes grew a little wider and a little softer, though I wasn’t quite sure what that meant.

            “How about this.” I reclaimed his hand, because it was a luxury that I was sure wouldn’t last, and offered him a reassuring smile. “I’ll think about it.”

            He nodded once and smiled back. He withdrew his hand and picked up the chalk again, returning to his sketching. “I’ll be waiting.”

 

* * *

 

~ _Face the Raven_

            The raven cawed once more. It still sounded maybe a minute away, though I pulled back from the Doctor and looked to the window anyway. I half expected it to come crashing into the room and kill me before I could finish my last moments with the Doctor.

            _Last moments._ I looked back at him. What more could I possibly say?

            “Don’t run,” the Doctor’s voice rumbled. A small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. Of course he, like myself, had probably always pictured me dying in his arms. Neither of us had believed I would live forever, but we had at least imagined us being together as I finally faded away. “Stay with me.”

            A small chuckle pushed itself past the lump in my throat. It would be so easy to agree. I wanted nothing more than to jump into his arms and let him hold me until it was all over. But this had been my choice, and I was going to face the consequences for it. I had to be brave.

            “Nah.” I attempted to steady my voice to keep up the charade of flippancy, though I knew neither of us believed it was real. “You stay here. In the end, everybody does this alone.”

            His eyes grew wide and his smile vanished. “Clara.”

            This time, he had to understand. I dropped the bravado and pleaded. “This is as brave…as I know how to be.” He smiled a little, and I hoped that meant he would let me go. “I know it’s going to hurt you, but please. Be a little proud of me.”

            I didn’t know what else to do. What other words could convey my goodbye to the man I loved more than anything in the universe? The definition of our love was something I wondered if even the Doctor could put into words. Maybe no one could.

            I reached out a hand and placed it on his cheek like I had done so many times before. I hoped that through my touch, through my eyes, he would know just how much I cared about him. Still smiling, the Doctor took my hand in both of his. Gently, he pressed his lips to my fingers. A calming warmth spread throughout my body. My raging nerves settled. I could do this. I could be brave.

            “Goodbye, Doctor.”

            It was the hardest thing I had ever had to say.

* * *

 

 ~ _Hell Bent_

            My mind reeled. It had never quite stopped spinning since I had found myself not dead, but this was something else entirely.

            _Four and a half billion years._

The number didn’t even compute in my mind. I couldn’t comprehend someone staying in one place for that long. I couldn’t believe that _I_ was the cause.

            “Four and a half billion years?”

            “If she says so.” The Doctor responded flippantly, as if it meant nothing, and turned his gaze back to the floor.

            _No._ This was more important than a waving off. This…this meant _everything._

I fell to my knees beside him and glared at him. Stupid, _stupid_ Doctor. _Why,_ in the _universe,_ would he do this for _me?_ I was insignificant. I was human. I would have died eventually even without the trap street and the raven.

            “No. Why would you even do that? I was dead! I was dead and gone. Why? Why would you even do that to yourself?” I pushed against him as I spoke, trying to drill the words into his head. I had to make him realise just how idiotic he had been. Why waste his immortal, irreplaceable life for a life as feeble and fragile as mine?

            The Doctor locked gazes with me for only a moment. He stated, as if it were the most obvious fact in the universe, “I had a duty of care.”

            The words shook me to my core, and all I could do was stare at him through blurred vision. It wasn’t the first time he had made that statement, but this time it had rattled me enough to bring something out of the depths of my mind that had been there for a very long time, just waiting to be discovered.

            “Listen, I’m nearly through here.” The Doctor swiped his hand across the floor and a strange noise sounded. I closed my eyes, focusing on the words that had surfaced in my brain. The Doctor rattled on as if I hadn’t reacted at all. “If I’m right, there should be a service duct under here. We’ll be able to get to the old workshops. They’ll have TARDISes there.”

            No. This time, I knew what I had to say to him. Now I knew exactly what the Doctor was to me, and I knew the definition of love I had wondered about for so long. I had already died once, and another moment wasted could lead to another missed opportunity. “Okay, listen. I have something I need to say.”

            “We do not have time!” He accompanied the exclamation with hand gestures that suggested I didn’t understand the importance of the situation.

            Anger flared up inside of me. _He_ was the one who didn’t understand. “No, my _time…_ my time is up. Doctor, between one heartbeat and the last is all the time I have.” I took a deep breath. “People like me and you, we should say things to one another. And I’m going to say them now.”

            And finally, like a pent up river breaking through a dam, I let go of all my emotions in one huge flood. The definition of our love wasn’t beautiful or flowery. It wasn’t even close to perfect. In fact, it was sloppy. It was heartbreaking. And it was more passionate and so much deeper than anything I had ever expressed. Maybe I even got the words wrong.

            But it was ours, and it would be ours forever.

 

 


End file.
